I dont mind the friendship. As much as I would love for him to be a real husband and stay with me I will never get that. I did not meet him online. I wish it was real love he has told me his story he needs papers and i dont mind the money that he has. But hes trying to inch his way into my heart so that I will forget about the business arrangement.. Marriage is supposed to be about a husband and wife dwelling together in peace and tranquillity. Sha, its good to hear that your sister is happily married to a Pakistani man.
Its still sad that he left his first wife in Pakistan and visits only once a year. She probably didnt have any say or rights in the marriage. Divorced women are looked down upon and have hard time finding a husband in Pakistan so she basically had to do with whatever money and time her husband shares with her : I doubt Pakistani men can be fair in polygyny because of cultural reasons. They are either unfair to one or to both the Pakistani and foreign wife later is true in majority of cases. Thank you much for sharing about your cousin and her life in a polygamous marriage.
Alhumdulliah they have been married already for 25 years I appreciated it much. Gameeda, All this man wanted was a free ticket for him and his son to come to SA. Are you sure the man is divorced. There are cases where wives were in it to have the man marry a foreigner so her children can move to greener pastures.
Performing nikah is an excuse his son probably had plans to do what all Pakistani men do. Good for you sister. Thanks for sharing your story. This man has taken advantage of you for 14 years! I am sure he is paying for those younger sisters college. Believe me its a lie that he didnt know anything until he went to Pakistan. Its different thing if he had promised to marry a cousin and kind of knew that parents want him to marry this girl. Then its possible they will schedule the wedding on their own to help him with indecision and further delay. No way they can choose a wife for him without even showing him a picture.
You make his life easier by contributing financially enabling him to send large portion of his earning back home. That is his retirement plan. Its all lies about you not having a son. I am sure he has sent money home and built a new house or made his old house much nicer for his mother, sisters and Pakistani wife. I guess not. I think you have already taken a lot of loss over so many years. Please plan for your future. Save your money for your retirement.
He has everything planned out and have you and his other wife as options to take care of him. You on the other hand wont have anyone to depend on. When he didnt support you while he is able bodied and can earn money then how do you think he will support you in old age. Thats the truth. I just read all the comments below. The writers seems disappointed to marry Pakistani man. Yah some of them like that. But I think not all of em. My cousin married Pakistani man also. Now shukur alhamdulillah they had 6 childrens already.
And married 25 yeas already. As all of us know that he have 1st wife in his country. He tell all of us before marrying my cousin. He just visiting his family there once a year. He also did bring his Malaysian son to meet his family there. He asked my cousin to come along.
Inn syaa allah. It will never happend to them what the other Pakistani do the other woman in a different country.
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From what I understand, the men are quite charming. They charm the pants off of some women and then charm them right on into marriage and then out of their money SMH Then they toss them out like trash. As Salaam mu Alaikum to all the ladies. Yes, it must be very hurtful not only for his family doing this, but he that cannot stand up to them. The wife must have alot going through her mind. That she was the one believing in him and trusted him. All we can do is ask Allah to put plenty Sabr in our heart, and to guide us.
Verily Allah knows best and please do not give up hope, keep strong. Life is a journey, and we all learn along the way. Remember you are stronger than you think. Put all your trust in Allah, that Allah can make it easy for you, all.
Good for you You have much to be thankful for. Please keep us posted on how things go. Stay strong and stay away from that loser. I recommend that you not spend any more of your resources on his family. You know what they are all about. You owe them nothing. He has another family, let him support you and them. Felicia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,. Thank you much for sharing your story with us. It was interesting to read that your husband was called home to Pakistan based on a lie that his mother was on her deathbed.
They may have even said she was dead. What drastic measures for anyone to take. Their culture and Islam have nothing in common. It is what it is, now. You were meant to marry him and go through this and we know this simply because — it happened. You, however, could have a good outcome from it.
It would take you viewing and believing that the situation that you are in is a trial. Know that Allah tries some of us by way of others. Read the Quran, ask Allah to give you understanding and try to implement all that you learn into your life. Be patient and go with the flow. All will be alright. Stay strong and Allah will send you the person who is best for you when Allah decrees. I do understand, i am so sorry if i mentioned somethings i shouldnt have.
I merely just shared what i thought was usefull that i could get feedback, as i appreciated what all the ladies shared with me. I appreciate all the feedbacks and it is making a difference in my life. Just to put a smile on someones face, makes a big difference. May you all have a beautiful new week, filled with smiles, blessings and Allah, s guidance and blessings Inshallah Ameen.
I just have to share this with you. I am corresponding with this man for the past seven months. His last mail he sent me an app so i downloaded it, his txt read i dont understand your app you sent me, tell me again. My reply to him was, i never sent you the app it is in malasian language, so it is from another friend of yours, but i never sent it to you.
Yes, i must thank all you ladies for opening my eyes and mostly thank our Almighty to have guided and protected me, as i know their are ladies that was less fortunate. I will now have to wind him off slowly and not reply to all his mails. I use to be very sad and heartbroken, when he play with my emotions, but today i dont feel anything and so happy and greatful. I hope and Pray that he will not change it again. I would be lying if I said I have moved on completely even over 7months later. This man left an imprint on my heart and soul. Very charming, cunning, and deceiving. I did not accept his numerous marriage offers and I thank God I did not.
ALL of the red flags were there. I am SO grateful for this site, because I could have been devastated by what was laying in wait for me behind those doors. I think he pretended to be Christian in order to make me trust him. Then pray for God to heal your heart from loving the wrong man. It is NOT your fault, you were strong to be open to love in the first place. They want our woman, yet they know their families wont accept. Yes as i heard only for an oppertunity for them. But why make your wife so unhappy and to make her tear, dont they know, for the tears their wife shed the angels will curse him.
Then how do these men think. They Pray 5times a day, but i hear some of them having affairs with woman.
How pious can you be. I have heard alot from all of you. It has helped me alot, just need to get the strength to ignore my friend or just keep their, as i do not feel to send him a ticket to come to south africa. He likes to play with my emotions then talk Deen again.
Yes, only if you went through it, you know what u talking about. I am realy sorry for what you all went through, as a woman i can only imagine how you must feel. As i had a raw deal with my first marriage, so i am very careful to just step into something i will regret afterwards. Their is so many stories about the pakistani men. I cant understand, why they do this, all for money, then how genuine can they be. I can only imagine what the inlaws must put you through.
At this age, i am looking for a nice peaceful life, as i have no time for drama, and inlaw problems. I suppose to send him a ticket to come down, 3months back, but i am delaying situation as i am not sure, and i know if my gutt tells me something,, never go against your feeling. To all of you, i appreciate your feedback and keep you in my Dua, s.
May Allah keep us strong, guide and protect us always. Inshallah Ameen. It was difficult to accept that I am a foreigner to them. He would meet them at his business or at restaurants. The friends I met were married, to their cousin girls from Pakistan, and they had brought their wives to live in SA with them. We having such a lovely spring day in South Africa.
I just finished working in my garden and hope to have lovely flowers in a few weeks. I also read istikhaarah before I agreed to marry him. In terms of finances upfront we had an agreement. I was employed and he just started a business. His mum is a widow he is the eldest child and only son with 6 younger sisters. We both contributed to our household expenses, me more than him.
I knew he had responsibilities at home so we agreed that once his sisters were married he would contribute equally to our home. Also we financially provided for his eldest married sister as his brother-in-law was just not able to afford it. We sort of had the idea that mother-in-law will not live with us in SA so most probably the eldest sister will take care of her.
I have been twice to Pakistan and on the 2nd trip his family asked him to marry a Pakistani girl. He refused and since then they kept pestering him and he would always say no. They call him and tell him his mother is on her deathbed and he must rush to Pakistan. He gets there to find he is getting married at the end of the week. Everything is organised bride, clothes, venue, food. They were concerned that there will be no-one to take care of mother-in-law.
I have only one child, a daughter. He offered that we move to Pakistan and then the truth came out they never accepted me as his wife. They will only accept a Pakistani daughter-in-law. Trust in what you believe and make the right decision. All the best. As Salaam mu Alaikum. Jazakallah for your feedback, i was raised very strictly as my dad indian, so i am aware of cultural background. Yes in South Africa we as woman have much more freedom and i am selfemployed. I would appreciate if could share with me some experiences as i know i would never be completely aware of their lifestyle, as i am a very soft hearted woman and i am a divorcee but have no kids.
We are also very Deen conscious and i love reading and listening to Hadeeth, so i would not like to make wrong choices as we have a choice. I have made Istigharah when i first met him via imo and i got positive feedback. I put my trust in Allah and always ask for guidance and protection.
His family and mother want me to come visit his family. Thank you all as i have no friends i can talk to. Thank you for all feedback, much appreciated. This man 58yrs old, i like the conversations we have as he is not a forward man. Since we chatting, he told me he is not rich, he an ordinary working man. I have spoken to his family on imo. He would like to come south africa and take me to visit his family. He told me, if i want to bring my family to meet his family no problem, as he is telling me the truth, as he is a God fearing man.
I am still affraid as i do not know what to expect, as people can tell u anything. He lives in Attock Shamsabad.
They married men in prison for life. Now, a change in the law could bring their husbands home.
His children also met me on imo and his son willing to come with him to South Africa. Citrus and Gameeda, as the other ladies have stated, if you do marry your Pakistani man, be prepared for what may come. Be prepared for his family to be more important to him than you.
Be prepared for his mother-hand-picked Pakistani wife to be loved by the family much more than you. Be prepared for the Pakistani ideas about love and marriage Many feel that a wife is either a baby maker or a servant or slave. Be prepared for your Pakistani husband wanting to use you for citizenship for him or for his family.
Allah plans the life of everyone, so none of us knows what the future holds. We are just asking you to be prepared if you decide to marry the Pakistani man. Just posting after a very long time. I have been reading the blog regularly. I am married to a Pakistani. Will share my story later. Felicia, are you new to website or posting after long time?
Would like to hear more if you are comfortable with sharing. Citrus, If you want a peaceful and happy life then please let go of this man. Nothing good is going to come out of it. At the end its your choice what you want to do. If you are the kind who likes to experiment, take risks then go ahead but be prepared for a lot of drama, heartache, pain.
Even if he is one of rarest of these men he is going to be torn between his duty to his family and his relationship with you. If you want to continue the relationship then just prepare yourself to be not his priority. I appreciate your reply. I am not discussing this with any family, as he said he will come to South Africa after Ramadan.
Now its money issue, as he knows i am selfemployed. I am trying to cut on my mails with him. He use to imo me, but now not enough funds to imo, but he mail me. I wonder how many other woman is he talking to as i know he can imo if he mail me. He plays with my emotions, and i appreciate he send me Hadith, but he knows exactly what he is doing. I wish i can just cut all ties, but feels guilty, and sorry for him and his family. When he send me mails, i become emotional and i do not know how to handle this.
My thing is why chance marriage with one of them knowing how many of them operate? If you know what many of them are about, why risk having a bad marriage with one of them? Why put yourself out there to be in a marriage from hell, get bled dry of all your resources and get thrown out like trash? Is it because you love him? You say you love him. What do you love about him? Hi, i am talking to a pakistani man for the past seven months. He at first wanted me to come to pakistan to meet his family and i must bring my family with, as my brother inlaw speak the language.
He is divorced, but his wife lives on the same grounds as him and his son, whom he is living with. I am a 50year old divorcee with no children. He was on imo wirh my family and i, his english not that good. I was on imo with his mother, sons, daughters and grandchildren, he is 58years old. I know offcourse because of language barrier he could tell them anything. He is a very religious man and his children teaches at muslim schools. He wants to come live permanent in south africa, at this age? To give up your whole life and come to a foreingn country. He sends me mails on Hadeeth as i like it very much.
He has no funds to come to our country and i am by no means at this time to send him funds. He would like to bring his son with to perfom marriage. He say his mom waiting to meet me and his whole family. I am confused, but also have developed a liking in this man. Please i would appreciate some of your advice. Well yeah…… i will rethinking again. He have a higher job than me…… im afraid he honest with me now….. In the end, Im wasting my time for him…….
Yeah, he is really sweet talker, n make me dream too high…. Even if i choose him in the end, i will always have plan B, like u guys said prenup or saving my own money. I never think about that before…… thats thatnks for this blog. Arzoo, u from their culture? How usually they treat girls that marry one of their family but not from marriage arrangement?
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Coz, he said to me, after the marry, i need to live in his home country for 2 or 3 months….. You sound so happy and chipper I hope all is going well for you with your studies, as well. Thank you so, so, much for sharing your knowledge and insight about the matter with Citrus. I was hoping that you would. You put it out there nicely in a nutshell to Citrus. At least Citrus sounds to be one of the smart ones who just may listen. Polygamy is a lawful way of life that Allah permits. They build lives together that are hopefully long lasting. I think you write very well. Many here including me are not native english speakers.
Ana welcomes everyone to participate. I totally agree with Ana. They may make you feel so at the moment but its all lies. You said both of you are immigrants. Do you have an education or profession that makes it more likely for you to get permanent residence are you in US. I am asking because anything these men do is very calculated.
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If not then they are just playing with you to get some sex while they are settled enough to marry and have a family. Believe me the ones they use like that are never going to be their life partner. Its always a Pakistani woman of their parents choice. The only reason they stick with a foreign or non-Pakistani woman for long time is if they are getting a financial or other benefit e.
She can ry all she wants but it never works unless you are willing to be submissive, keep your mouth shut, serve him and his family. Wow i can go on and on because i am from their culture and i know them too well. I suggest you seriously rethink marrying that man. If his mother has picked out a girl for him, you best believe that he in all likelihood will marry her. Be safe, not sorry. Wow, thanks for all the info. Hmmm…… im dating pakistan men almost a year now….. Im speaking to his brother already, but i never speak to his mom, coz his mom doesnt know english. We both living outside the country.
So im not scared, he was after for sponsoring or something like that, coz we both immigrants. He said his mom already has a girl for him in Pak. He rejected already, n tell his mom about me. But now, im not that sure….. I need to make sure, n save my place in his life first. This blog really helpful. Opened my mind. Sorry for bad english. Hi Ana Good night for you thank you so much for being this. You said she is a US citizen. Tell her to research what she needs to do to get you here. She can Google Immigration and Naturalization.
If she wants you in the US with her, she should have an idea of how she intends to go about getting it done. Insha Allah, I have to get back to you later in the day. Sorry for the delay. Ana thanks for bring this but please explain some more I am not an us citizens but a friend of me she is American citizens and she wants that I come with her. And I tell you before this that I tell everything true to her so what can I do and how. If you have a legal marriage already and want to marry another, you could do a personal written contract with the other woman that would be an agreement between you and her.
They can get a visa to this person. Please tell me about this clearly. I get quite a few of those every now and again. Men come to the the blog saying they are looking for a woman to be a second wife. This time I just shook my head and said what the heck. I went ahead and posted it. Are you kidding??? This has to be a joke, right??? Julia, Welcome! Thank you so much for sharing about your experience in being married to a Pakistani man. I love your post and think it is much needed.
Well said. Thank you again for sharing. Marriages can easily be for the purpose of citizenship, as well, with Pakistanis, another family can exist. It is acceptable culturally to the Pakistanis, and a complete nightmare for the British or Americans. I married a Pakistani and have since divorced, but I wonder to this day if another family exists. Such a sad life evolved over time for me and our children, with a father who dedicated himself, any free time, and all our money to people who lived 10, miles away.
It was a painful realization that my likable, charming, husband actually just saw me as an unimportant part of his life, a functional servant of sorts. Hardly what I had walked into the marriage believing. The enormously different ideas of what marriage is between the two cultures makes a recipe for pain, sadness, and an empty life for any westerner. For western women, unless you want to take on the role of a voiceless, meaningless person in his family who does alot of housekeeping and cooking… which is the lot in life for Pakistani women, it would be better to not marry a Pak.
And of course, you will need to be Muslim. For me, the worst moments were when he would give me some jewelry, and that was to satisfy me. A shiny bracelet hardly makes for a fulfilling life to a western woman. This makes your groom hardly the romantic, intimate, best friend for life that you may be mistaking him for. Thank you much for sharing with us your experience and that of your friend and her daughter.
I think some of those Pakistani men are being schooled on how to get over on manipulate and use women for personal gain. It has nothing to do with Islam either. The more we get the word out about what is happening at the hands of those men, the better it will be. I am glad I did not introduce the Pakistani man to my family or children I kept him at a distance. Instinctively I did not trust him. I am happy to be out of that relationship. The Pakistani man did not even come and see the child he simple told her it is her problem she must deal with it.
Her daughter is only 19 years old ,with no father. This poor girls life is ruined she now has to look for work and support her child, all the while applying for child support. This is truly a sad story. I just wanted to share this story and warn women not to get involved with such men be very careful as it will effect your entire future.
Thank once again Ana for this site. I still wish I could spy but the family is related to them so theyd know what Im doing. Ok Roger, over and out?. It could be a good way to prevent someone from killing you to inherit your money LOl. Anyhow, I think your parents are right in their insistence of one for you. Better safe than sorry. Awesome thanks. Ive always felt guilty about my parents insistence on prenup or even financial lockdown on me when he proposed. People were suggesting it was racist but my parents have seen it happen to family friends with men from all countries including Britain so theyre more worldly than anything.
So youve just answered that one for me too. I like to think of myself as a good spy but it can run into trouble thats more scary than can ever be imagined. Thanks heaps :. The only way you upset anyone here is when we think that you may get sucked into a web of deception and your world will get turned upside down. Whether the person take heed or not is on her. Which yes Ive set my boundaries up about to him yesterday. Thanks heaps and sorry if I upset anyone, polygamy is such a culturally different concept for me.
As well as the concepts of arranged marriage and gender segregation, that Im learning to understand it all slowly. Just imagine what his wife is having to deal with, being married to him. I think you could probably do better than it. Be patient and give yourself to someone worthy. Yeah I actually started to question it after I wrote that so thought Id test him by texting and askimg if I could write to his wife to see what she thinks of it all. He immediately said he didnt think it is a good idea which means she doesnt know the situation and hes probably playing dumb with it.
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